Surviving the Narcissist

Surviving the Narcissist

The year was 2007. I was fresh out of high school, a few months away from 18, and I had my whole life ahead of me. Then he walked in…

It was like a tidal wave. The way the sun shone perfectly on his green eyes. Lighting them up like nothing I've ever seen before. I was hypnotized. Little did I know…I was looking into the devil's eyes.

At the time, I was working as a car hop at Sonic Drive-in, and he was our bread guy. I saw him walking into the building one day, and since I was new to the morning shift, I had no clue who he was.

I thought he was just another oblivious customer who had never been to a Sonic before. If you don't know, Sonic is not an eat-in restaurant. It's a drive in which means you eat in your car or on the patio.

Anyway, I go to meet him at the door to keep him from coming in. That's when he looked right into my eyes, smiled, and informed me of who he was and his purpose there. 

From that day forward, I had the biggest crush on him. After about a month of flirty exchanges, he asked me for my number…and then my age. 

I let him know I was 17 and he let me know he was about to be 24. He didn’t call me for a month. On that particular day, he had come to make his delivery while I was working and I recently started kind of seeing someone I worked with. He caught us being really flirty and playful with each other during his delivery and I guess that sparked him to finally pick up the phone.

Everything from that very first meet up was a huge red flag. First of all, he didn’t even ask me out on a date. He asked me to come and hang out at his house. I was a 17 year old girl having a 24 year old man who I barely knew asking me to come to his house. 

It’s amazing how clear things are when they’re in your rearview mirror, isn’t it? If there is one thing I have learned when it comes to ruling out the red flags and deal breakers, it is that the things that make you uncomfortable or have you questioning yourself are usually the first indicators that this isn’t going to work.

When I look back at all of the behaviors and quirks that I overlooked or downplayed, they were honestly all the signs that my intuition was giving me to walk away. One of the most irritating things about existing as a woman is we are taught to ignore our intuition and give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know about you, but giving people the benefit of the doubt has never worked out in my favor. In fact, all of the people who tried to warn me ended up being absolutely right. 

Unfortunately we all have this defiant part of us that feels a need to prove people wrong. Especially when it comes to our judgment. We all believe that we are excellent judges of character who can see people for who they are. Sometimes, though, we meet people who love to deceive others. It’s their entire personality. A lot of people don’t know what to do when they encounter that because they don’t think there are a lot of people who do that.

There are a lot, though. A lot more than we think. After that first time at his house, it felt like every encounter after that always introduced something that crossed my personal boundaries. I didn’t realize I was being groomed. 

It wasn’t just by him. It was his friends and family too. A lot of them were already parents and as they say, misery loves company. All of the women in his circle were always trying to convince me to get pregnant. At first it just seemed like that was their way of joking around with me. But after a while, it became very apparent that I wouldn’t be fully accepted into their “tribe” unless I was a part of their miserable circle. 

I know it was just another sign to get out and get far away, but I was in so deep. When we were only about 2 months into our relationship, my father’s alcoholism finally caught up with him and he ended up in the hospital in really bad shape. Two months later, he was gone. And my ex, well he was right there through all of it. That’s how he did it. He got lucky enough to find me at the right time. 

Before that relationship, I was a free spirit. I dated and hooked up with different boys and I was enjoying my life. Whenever I started dating a guy who ended up giving me “the ick,” I broke up with him, no problem. Life is short and I didn’t want to waste it with guys who annoyed me. As is my damn right. My ex checked a lot of boxes that the boys I was hooking up with did not. He had a good job, his own vehicle, didn’t live with his parents, and was kind of financially responsible. 

I liked maturity. I thought that’s what I was getting. I’m sure if I didn’t deal with my dad’s passing during that same time, I would have seen those red flags quicker and let them get to me the way they should have, and I would have let him go much sooner. 

I know now, that he was a lesson. I always gaslit myself into believing he was my guardian angel. And it was that mindset that made me overlook a lot of disrespect from him. He had a complex that he could do what he wanted because he supported me through my dad’s passing. And I believed it. 

I could feel myself slipping away the longer I was with him. I knew it was wrong, but I convinced myself that this was just how it was to be in an actual relationship. This was my first adult relationship that involved us sharing a living space and our finances. I also believed that if you love someone, you should always fight for them. I didn’t realize that you could still walk away from someone, despite the love you still hold, because it’s better for you.

I ended up staying with him for 10 years. We welcomed our first son in 2009, 5 months before my 20th birthday. In 2011, after a very rough time in our relationship, we left Texas and came to Oregon. That’s when the physical abuse began. In 2013, I married him, once again going against my better judgment. In 2015, we welcomed our second son and bought a house. 

The time between 2015-2017 was very transformative for me. I was entering into the second half of my twenties, which meant my brain was now fully developed. That was when I really started to look at my marriage and everything I had endured in it and realized I was miserable. I was a workaholic who went above and beyond at work, and when I was at home, I threw myself into being a super mom who kept herself busy. If I wasn’t spending time with my kids, I was cleaning something. If I wasn’t cleaning something, I was cooking. If I wasn’t doing any of those things, I was either binge watching Netflix into oblivion, or I was just trying to sleep. 

I jumped at every and any opportunity I got to go and have a social life, despite the guilt trip I would be subjected to afterward. Apparently, I was a bad mother for wanting a life outside of motherhood. Yep, one of those. 

I was running myself into the ground, screaming out for help and not being heard. I knew I couldn’t keep going like that, but I was also terrified at the idea of trying to leave him. I didn’t even know how to start the process and keep myself safe. 

The summer of 2017 was the pivotal point. We were building a fence for our backyard. We were just getting it started. My ex was going around and pouring cement for the posts. Out of nowhere, he felt a sharp pain in his chest and dropped to his knees. Turns out, he had a mild heart attack…at 33 years old. 

I remember taking him to the hospital and seeing him struggling to breathe. I had never seen him like that before. I honestly thought he was going to die and instead of feeling sad or scared, I felt…relieved. 

That was when I realized I needed to find a way to get out of that marriage. Any time he had some type of episode where he was struggling to breathe, a small part of me felt excited. I know that sounds absolutely terrible. I had reached a point where I felt the only safe way to get away from him was for him to no longer be a part of this world. Again, I know, awful. But that was the desperation I felt.

Not long after that ordeal, I found out that my supervisor was going to be taking a position on another shift, making his position available. At that time, I’d been with the company for over 5 years and was the top performer in my department. I thought I would land that position, no questions asked.

I remember thinking that it would be my opportunity to leave my marriage with financial security. That position would have come with a nice raise that certainly would have allowed me to provide for myself and my kids while also staying in our home. 

Unfortunately, I did not land the position. I was devastated and very angry. I was also back to square one of wondering just how I was going to make this happen. 

And then, out of nowhere, he messaged me. The man who would eventually become my second husband. 

To be continued…